I have always been a “worst-case scenario” type of person. It’s not that I don’t take great pleasure in my day to day life; it’s that part of me is always waiting on something terrible to happen. This, fellow bloggers, makes absolutely no sense, because nothing terrible has ever actually happened to me. Sure, there have been frustrations, setbacks, losses, etc. But, in the grand everything that has been my life, I have experienced very little catastrophe. Of this, I am incredibly grateful.
However, anxiety is a friend of mine. While it’s not a friend that I particularly like or enjoy, we go way back, so he keeps hanging around uninvited.
For example, when I get on an airplane, I quietly prepare myself for impending doom. I recite an internal mantra like, “I have lived a happy life. I have many pleasant memories. I have made a lasting impact on the world, etc.” As it turns out, this is not a normal reaction to flying. In fact, this is decidedly abnormal for someone who has flown countless times and not yet–not even once–died. Nevertheless, the anxiety that accompanies me on airplanes is relentless. I still fly, though. I mean, it’s the safest and most convenient way to travel, after all. See how nonsensical my anxiety is?
I worry. It’s just part of who I am. I even worry that I worry too much. Anxiety can be a jerk like that.
At the beginning of every semester, at the start of every job, and anytime I am more than 4 feet off the ground, I am experiencing anxiety. Not to mention being a new mother. Motherhood is wrought with anxiety. Yet, I push forward. I keep studying, working, and mothering. I keep flying.
That’s the interesting thing about my anxiety. It doesn’t stop me. Everything I worry about, I end up doing quite well at–except flying–I admit that I’m not very good at that. Yes, I’m a worrier. But, I’m also a warrior. Anxiety, as I said, is an old friend. We go way back, and I just wouldn’t be the same without him.
*video below contains profanity
Jessplease 
Hey Jess! I know where you’re coming from with the anxiety thing. For me, even when things are going well, I’m peeking anxiously around the corner looking for the next catastrophe. I suppose I feel like if I expect the catastrophe, at least it can’t sneak up on me. Unfortunately, this makes me a pretty negative person! I like how you pointed out though that you still push on as a warrior, even though worry takes over so often. This makes you a strong woman and a great mother. Your daughter is so fortunate to have someone so determined as her momma!
LikeLike
Oh, Jess, you cannot tell that you have such an issue. You are so outgoing and pleasant. Always seem ready to conquer the world. You are a real champion Glad you have not given in to your anxiety. Go forth and conquer girl, the world’s waiting for great people like you. Motherhood is a breeze, you will be one of the best.
LikeLike
I love the title of your post, Jess! I’m a lifelong worrier too, and it’s terrible. I think your so outgoing and have a great personality, so half the time I don’t even know that you’re worried unless you tell me. Since you don’t show it, your students will never know how.nervous you really are when you’re up there. Like Kassandré says the world is waiting for you, so get it girl!
LikeLike
I had to let my anxiety go when I acquired a chronic disease. It has been a five year process. I do catch myself falling back into it! I loved the poet that you shared and your honest words!
LikeLike